I thought I was being as open as a person can be. But now I realise that I am still scared to say exactly how I feel because I think it’s stupid or people will laugh. Because people do, I have never been taken seriously, nor will I ever. Just because I never went to university and I pretty much failed school. It’s true that I’m not clever, but does that mean that my feelings and opinions are invalid? No. Even on subjects that I care about such as veganism, I still wouldnt be able to clearly explain why I feel a certain way about things. Because I’m not good at actually saying how i feel (even that isnt the right words or how i want to put it but whatever). Sometimes, I feel really dumb, like now. Othertimes I feel pretty damn clever, but people laugh because what I think is clever is actually common knowledge.
This lack of confidence I have in myself probably effects most aspects of my life. I keep telling myself its ok and I’m doing good, but then I struggle with fucking everything. My brain can’t take life. It can’t deal with the things that everyone has to do. For example, i was holding myself back so much from crying the other day because I couldn’t find a cloth to clean the bathroom. Like now, that sounds ridiculous. But at the time I just wanted to storm out and scream and cry.
Before I decided to write this, I was doodling. Well atleast I was trying. And I felt like I couldn’t even doodle right and found myself getting frustrated. I hate when I feel like this. Quite alot recently I have been restless and anxious and like I want to do something but I can’t do it or I can’t be bothered to do it.
Right now, I’m annoyed at the fact I don’t want to do anything, and I know if I did I would just get annoyed at what I’m doing. My favourite thing to do is watch youtube, but even sometimes I can’t even watch that without feeling shit. Most of the time i just want to go out. Then when I actually go out I just want to go back home.
When I have a job, this feeling will fade, hopefully. But I know I will be having a meltdown atleast once a day haha.
Well. I think thats about everything I want to say. Sorry it all seems negative but its just the reality of life. Aside of that, I am actually very happy. Just frustrated with me being frustrated….
Long time no speak! It feels good to say that me not writing on this blog isn’t down to procrastination and laziness. I have actually been sorting my life out and making plans for the very near future (In between naps). I’m not going to go into any detail about any plans until they happen as to not jinx things!
But one exciting thing did happen! I am now engaged to the most amazing man! So yeah, that happened on 11th January 17. This is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and that is not just because of Alex, of course he has added to my happiness greatly, but it is also that I’m trying to make changes to make my life better and doing more things that make me happy. There is still days when I feel like giving up and everything seems pointless, but the next day things usually seem better.
Also, I am learning Japanese, and I feel that doing that really helps me focus on something positive. So when I feel restless and like I’m not doing anything with my life, I learn more Japanese which makes me feel like I have accomplished something. Plus, I really enjoy it!
You may be sitting there thinking that things will never get any better for you, and I used to think exactly that. But I can say that if you make small positive changes everyday that you will start having more good days.
I ask myself this a lot. Excluding the people I love, I’m not sure if the other things I love do make me happy. Like I love going for walks and I enjoy spending my time watching youtube, but i don’t think I can say it actually makes me happy.
Does anything actually make us happy or does it just help us through the day?
Is happy the same as content?
However, after rambling on about this, i have realised that animals do make me happy. Like beaming smile from ear to ear with happiness.
Oh geez… feel free to tell me your thoughts on this!
Two years ago I found my favourite quote: “Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.” At that point I didn’t really have anything to live for. But I loved art, and so I drew this and it became my favourite piece.
Now it is coming to the end of 2016 and I no longer have a desire to draw. I love art, I really do, but it made me feel bad about myself when a piece didn’t turn out how I wanted it to. Everyone always said “don’t give up” and “but you are so talented”. That in the end I was doing it purely to keep others happy that I actually forgot what I enjoyed about drawing. I still look at my old artwork and am somewhat proud of it, but I am also extremely glad that I have stopped trying so hard. The last time I had a doodle I really enjoyed it because I know that it didn’t have to look good. Unfortunately, I can’t apply that same mindset to every piece of artwork I do, so I stopped. I’m much happier now i can admire other peoples artwork, knowing that I never have to be compared to them. Admiring art makes me happy, creating art is not for me. I’m so glad to finally admit that to myself.
I feel like this didn’t completely make sense, but maybe thats ok.
Well, hey there. Firstly I’m just gonna say that the reason my blog is called Mazzymoon is because its a nickname that my boyfriend calls me and I just love it so much. (Also I have a tiny moon tattoo on my wrist)
I have wanted to have my own blog for a very long time but never actually did it, until now.
By no means am I a writer. But I enjoy writing. I am terrible at knowing where to put punctuation and the rest of it, but it really doesnt matter to me because this is my little place to ramble about things I want to! Sometimes it may make no sense, but thats the fun of it! 😉
Since I was young i would always write in a diary, talking about what I did that day and what I ate and who is my latest crush. I always loved writing but last year I stopped writing in my diary because I realised it was all becoming the same mundane things day in and day out. In the end I wasnt actually writing my opinions or feelings on things, and that was the point I was doing it in the first place! I was purely writing what I was eating or what I watched on TV. I even included the time that I did those activities. It didn’t take long for me to realise there is no point because in 10 years time it wouldn’t be a very interesting thing for me to read. Did I really want to know what i ate on this day when im 30 years old?
I am 21 years old now and have recently found the love of my life and my life has completely changed. I want to document that.