I thought I was being as open as a person can be. But now I realise that I am still scared to say exactly how I feel because I think it’s stupid or people will laugh. Because people do, I have never been taken seriously, nor will I ever. Just because I never went to university and I pretty much failed school. It’s true that I’m not clever, but does that mean that my feelings and opinions are invalid? No. Even on subjects that I care about such as veganism, I still wouldnt be able to clearly explain why I feel a certain way about things. Because I’m not good at actually saying how i feel (even that isnt the right words or how i want to put it but whatever). Sometimes, I feel really dumb, like now. Othertimes I feel pretty damn clever, but people laugh because what I think is clever is actually common knowledge.
This lack of confidence I have in myself probably effects most aspects of my life. I keep telling myself its ok and I’m doing good, but then I struggle with fucking everything. My brain can’t take life. It can’t deal with the things that everyone has to do. For example, i was holding myself back so much from crying the other day because I couldn’t find a cloth to clean the bathroom. Like now, that sounds ridiculous. But at the time I just wanted to storm out and scream and cry.
Before I decided to write this, I was doodling. Well atleast I was trying. And I felt like I couldn’t even doodle right and found myself getting frustrated. I hate when I feel like this. Quite alot recently I have been restless and anxious and like I want to do something but I can’t do it or I can’t be bothered to do it.
Right now, I’m annoyed at the fact I don’t want to do anything, and I know if I did I would just get annoyed at what I’m doing. My favourite thing to do is watch youtube, but even sometimes I can’t even watch that without feeling shit. Most of the time i just want to go out. Then when I actually go out I just want to go back home.
When I have a job, this feeling will fade, hopefully. But I know I will be having a meltdown atleast once a day haha.
Well. I think thats about everything I want to say. Sorry it all seems negative but its just the reality of life. Aside of that, I am actually very happy. Just frustrated with me being frustrated….
Love, Maz x